Monday, February 13, 2006

He is lying there by the door. Eyes crusted and dry. She is with him. She kisses him. He smiles. There is pain, but nothing compared to the cold. Her tongue goes to work on his deep wound. He summons the strength to place a hand on her soft head. She lifts her head and he stares deep into those dark pools.

I Love you, I love you, I love you.

"You never cease to amaze me....", a brief laugh escapes his lips, but it hurts too much.

I love you, I love you.....

She returns to the gash. Eyelids getting heavy, but blood has ceased flowing. He kisses her.

I love you, I love you.

Time spins and writhes and he is 15, playing rugby.......

Saturday, February 04, 2006

The door looks normal enough. But there is pressure there. Huge monstrous pressure spread out across its four corners. The slightest touch causing a massive implosion of reality. He stands there coiled like a spring. The tendons arc this way and that over his wet naked body. The knife held in his right hand, drawn back and shoulder height. His left pointing at the creaking door. His senses reaching new peaks of awareness. A drop of water makes its way from hair behind his right ear, winds its way down his neck, over his back, and then launches itself into the unknown, before being rent apart and spread across the cold wooden floor. Time slows to a stop. And the cold comes. Agonising incessant cold from which there is no escape. Absolute quiet, molecules grinding their merry dance to a halt.

" Mr.Gada! Mr.Gada! MR.GADA! You never cease to amaze me."

A hand on his.

" I like you. I really do ",the voice full of cream and cake.

" I'm sorry about all this." A scalpel starts its incision mid torso.

" Really wish we could meet face to face and all that, but you know, time, light...."

The scalpel momentarily grinds on sternum and continues.

And Cai is helpless as a baby.

" Time for you to come home".

Warmth snaps back. Blood sprays from his chest. The door implodes and she is there. As he falls to the floor, he sees the anger in those dark eyes of hers. Outrage, hate ,violence. She advances on the creampie voice and it is silenced in an explosion of bone and grissle.

"Not yet...not yet", Cai whispers as his lids close upon the murderous scene.

Sunday, October 16, 2005

Weeks, maybe a month go by as Cai does battle with otherworldly forces. And this time the blade spins red in his hand. No memories, just the stained t-shirt and blood spattered jeans as clues. They are thrown in the trash as he reaches for the Black Nikka and pulls the stopper with his teeth. The bath is steaming hot and the whisky makes his brow sweat. His tongue finds space in his mouth where a molar should have been. `Dammit`. He concentrates on his breathing, clearing his mind and trying to find a level, a level of events that should be there but aren`t. Only his childhood comes.

The school is oldschool. Blazers, tie, polished shoes, Yes sir, No sir....no girls. His home is a dormitory, a bed. The matress is horsehair and he is allowed one blanket to keep out the cold. His father has given him a nepalese one and the musty smell is a comfort. His dorm captain is a big lad for his age and 3 years older than Cai. Justin throws Cai`s toy snoopy against the wall and laughs. Cai nearly breaks his arm. Ranking and safety are achieved in the jungle.
He is kept busy at school and time passes quickly only the nights are a problem. Bed at 9.00pm. Awake for 5 or 6 hours thinking and thinking....the symbiotes twisting and writhing in his brain, hungry for his thoughts, his dreams.
Then he has a dream that changes his life. He is running over a field at night. The disc of the moon disappears behind the dark clouds and suddenly Cai is falling over the edge of a cliff. The wind rushes through his hair and into his mouth almost choking him. He can see the beach below coming to meet him. And he impacts feeling his limbs twisting and breaking, yet there is no pain. A split second later Cai is tossed into a pit of darkness. Nothing. no sound, no pain, no thoughts, just peace...although even peace is too strong a word for what he felt. After an eternity Cai woke..free and refreshed....the symbiotes left him alone for a good month after that.


BANG BANG BANG......

`Jesus! what the fuck is that?` Cai leaps from the bath , blade spinning in his hand.

Thursday, September 15, 2005

His parents are going to live in Italy in 2 years, They decide to prepare him by sending him to boarding school early( `He`s got too much energy I can`t control him` `You don`t care, you`re at work all day!` `I need space`). He can come home at weekends. The sadness Cai feels at leaving home is terrible. The sadness of leaving the cellar is unimaginable.
Only a week. A lifetime. Scared.

Fear of the new evokes overwhelming emotions. Why? Primitive urges that tell us we are likely to die if we leave the fold. Usually right in the animal kingdom. Luckily for Cai he was human...the stones in the cellar glowed.....`I saw them Mom.` `Don`t be stupid Cai it was the light from the....the....the. Don`t be stupid`

And the `Blue`* is established. Deep. Thorough. And painful. Why the `Blue` came, Cai didn`t know (he didn`t even know it for what it was) and if it wasn`t for the symbiotes, he would have surely followed his urge to cut his arms, with the tools in the cellar.He felt it after staring at the granite.

*We all feel blue sometimes. But it is hard to comprehend the true nature of dark depression. Hope is gone. There is nothing for us. Alcoholics touch the tip of the iceberg when they consume a fantastic amount and wake up 2 days later. The pain of the hangover is a good thing. it keeps their minds occupied. If there was no pain, there would only be the depression.....If you`re a drinker, you know this. Hint, if you blanked the last 2 days, talk to as many people to establish the facts and try to laugh as many of your actions off as possible, The unknown is worse than reality.

Wednesday, September 14, 2005

Cai moves house when he is 8. All his friends are left behind. The new house is like a maze. 5 stories. Winding stairs. A view of the sea and seagulls at the window. The house has a musty odour, things old and creepy, but Cai doesn`t know that, he`s only 8. He starts having trouble sleeping, no nightmares, just a surfeit of energy. He spends nights and nights playing on his own. Countless Starwars battles, an endless production of Lego spaceships and hours spent in the dank wet cellar staring at the rubble stack that takes up half of the coal store. Huge pieces of granite that would have troubled the strongest navvies. Strange, the house was built on clay and the surrounding area too. Just a warm feeling. Staring. Once he got to sleep early, and woke to find himself standing in this place.

`Did I sleep?`
`What am I doing here?`
`Beautiful`

Friday, September 02, 2005

The lights are shining in his eyes. He`s on his back and his father`s eyes look down on him. Another man in the room wanders back and forth.

`This won`t hurt too much....Steve, an injections going to hurt more than the stitches, lets do without it eh?`
`Now Cai, I`m going to put a couple of stitches in your chin....if it hurts just say ``ow``. Ok?`

Cai nods his head. The pillow rubs against his skull. He can see something glinting in Steve`s hand. Steve gives it to his father. His dad holds the chrome needle to the light and then it is gone and all he can see is his father`s face screwed in concentration.

I told a lie about Cai. Or rather a half lie. There was one accident. He was injured but the circumstances lead me to suspect it was not an accident but a node, a necessary point in the journey. Cai fell off his bike and split his chin wide open. Mrs Gada (Cai`s mother) did what any mother would do in the situation. She called Mr Gada, who just happened to be the on call doctor at the nearest hospital A and E. And like any caring father he told her to bring Cai in. Now I don`t know about the legality of all this, but I do know that Mr Gada didn`t want any of the other doctors to touch his son......

The needle in his chin. The pain. No pain. Pain. No pain. PAIN.

`ow......`, small voice.
`There`s a good lad. Just a couple more.`

PAIN.PAIN.PAIN.PAIN.

`ow......`, whisper.
`all done....just putting this plaster over and .......`

And Cai saw the broad smile on his father`s face and the glint in his eye. And his father turned to Steve full of pride. `My son` was written all over.

A test? A node? Cai was 7. It didn`t make any difference to him one way or another.
The light glinted this way and that off the blade. The weight felt good, reassuringly good. Like having a zippo instead of a bic. He hefted it from one hand to the other, raised it in front of his eyes and stared deeply into those mirrored pools. So he had finally bought it after all these years.

`What the fuck am I doing?`

But he knew. What had started as a innocent childhood fantasy of running through the woods, whooping and hunting for prey had developed into something far more sinister. He`d thought about it more and more over the years until it had almost become an obsession.

Just to feel that blade sink into my flesh. To feel it sever nerves, cut arteries, puncture lung. How would it feel? Could I stand it? Could I continue in the ancient Japanese fashion and move it through my innards until they flopped out neatly into my lap? What would it take to do that?

Now don`t take him wrong. Suicide was furthest from his mind. And although the fantasy bore all but the most blatant homoerotic imagery, no not for him. This was something special. Something unique. Personal. The world couldn`t take him without a little help and so it had planted a seed which had grown.

But I digress, back we go. Cai is now 7..........

Monday, August 29, 2005


Shortly after this event, a Pakistani family moved into the house 2 doors down. It was at this point that Cai learnt about decisions and financial gain. The son, Tamoor a slightly older boy, soon became a good friend of Cai`s (even though Cai hit him in the face with a golf club...but thats another story...) as did Tamoor`s servant girl. Yes, he had his own personal servant. She washed and dressed him, made snacks, cleaned clothes, entertained guests and generally did everything around that small 2 up 2 down house (no mansion by any means). They`d go out and play, climbing trees, throwing mud, eating bugs, all that, come home and she`d be tutting and fussing, checking for cuts and bruises, making them curry, and stroking their hair as she talked all the while in that strange Pakistani tongue. Cai loved her.


Now Cai had an older sister, Beck. She loved to bully Cai. Not physically (he had put an end to that when he stood on her head a year ago) but mentally. She`d buy several hundred chocolate toffees, put them in a jar where Cai could see them, and wait. Cai, being the chocolate crazed, force wielding, urban warrior that he was, would `borrow` a few for special mission purposes. Inevitably all hell would break lose as Beck discovered that she only had 77 , instead of 105 left. World war III, hints, allegations, his father, worse, his mother, denials, confessions, apologies, no 25p pocket money this week, ssshhhhiiitt, no 25p pocket money next week, tactical withdrawal to bedroom to moan the injustice of the world and make resolution to never talk to family again.
As you can see, she was a master tactician, and Cai simply did not have the skill or abilities to confront the dark side yet.

It was a warm sunny day (it`s always warm and sunny when we look back into the past) Tamoor and me were playing golf in the front garden (no I didn`t hit him yet). Beck was looking on in an amused fashion as we hacked the lawn in a vain attempt to get the goddam ball to move, and then it happened. Tamoor`s servant girl appeared (can`t for the life of me remember her name) and called us in for our 10 o`clock snack, the dark one included. Now as the we stood in the kitchen eating our samosas, we caught a glance of the most amazing chillis and the servant girl, saw us staring.

`1 pound you eat the biiiiggg red chilli, 5 pounds the small green one` she said in broken English.
At this point, the barest of looks from Tamoor, maybe he used the force, was enough to halt me in my tracks. Beck`s eyes lit up. What was going through her mind? How many chocolate toffees can I buy? How much pain can I inflict on Cai with those toffees? How much control will I have? Who knows.
`Give me the small one!`
The girls eyes creased in a smile,`Try bbbiiiiiiigggg one`
`I`ll eat the small one for 5 pounds`

The rest was history. Surfice to say that the jug of water prepared had no effect, nor did running home and putting her head under the tap. The puking would have felt pretty bad I guess, especially since the hot chilli was coming back up into her mouth. That sure must have been some ring of fire the next day, judging by the screams that came from the toilet. She never did get her 5 pounds through all the commotion. And I saw that she had made a poor decision with no return, but it didn`t matter, I had found my Pakistani wonder woman...fighting for truth justice and the Kingston upon Thames way.